A Satorai

(Written on Nov. 4, 2008...)

An Irony.

My life is like a lie. Earlier I thought about me, of why I always feared the truth. I have not even the slightest courage to face it. Damn I'm a lie. Perhaps the reason I cannot open my eyes to the truth is because I live within the sphere of lie. I have lied countless times and lived with it as anyone is supposed to, others have lied to me countless times, and they are to live with it too. I feel like I am hidden in big box, locked, and the keys with me, where no one is supposed to free me, but my self. I have been hiding so long. Too afraid to love again to the extent of avoiding what I see God has stored before me, making me nothing but a helpless little surviving hominid who cannot live without his folks. I always wanted to be freed from my prison cell. I have cried long enough for me to feel what it is like to be free, but I have failed many times. My friend was right, It is not true for me to say that I don't have the freedom I deserve for I have it with me long time ago. It is only me who have not seen it, and if ever I did, I didn't know how to use it or control it.

Then I found the irony of it.

For the past few days, I have lived like a prisoner. To jail my self is good. It felt good to be alone. It gave me more time to think and to understand what has been happening around me and within me. As much as I hate being jailed, and without freedom, I have locked up my self in solitary confinement a long time ago and I just didn't notice. Why have I not noticed that? because I was too afraid to see the truth. Because It may hurt me the way it hurts me now.

Then all the memories came to me, lurking in my mind as if they are about to slit me to death to realize they're nature. I finally found one piece of the puzzle I have been looking for. I found one to be added to the puzzle of my life. Damn It hurts. I remember every detail of what has befall me. I remember everything that has lead me to where I am now. They taught me to live in seclusion and I am living their words but all lies. They use a lie to manipulate me and I only allowed them to. Only a fool would believe something he doesn't fully understand. And I have been a fool all those years. What a shame!