Consumed

Hello again world.

It is exactly 12 AM of October 27, says my wall clock, and its supposed to be mine and my ex boyfriend's sixth month-sary celebration, but obviously we broke up, so it's a no celebration day. 27, now, is like any ordinary day. So what about now? Nothing amazing is particularly happening now except that I'm having my daily onset insomnia period. 

I ate my dinner very late at night because I had no appetite for food. Earlier I felt woozy and queasy, and I ate ice cream. Ice cream helps boost my appetite. Unfortunately, there's no ice cream left in the fridge. Kudos to me, I ate the last pint. I ate it all! Don't wanna act food douche , you know. Food nowadays just doesn't taste good or I don't taste the food at all. Essence all gone. Period! This is what happens when sorrow eats you. You don't eat. You get eaten. 

My internet sucks. It goes Access Denied everytime I open a page. And I am so bored, I cannot sleep. Sheesh!!!

I found Love

Hello world.

For the past few weeks I have been crying about my boyfriend's insensitivity, and about his no care for me. On the next few days I found my self crying again because my boyfriend decided to end the intimate relationship. It broke me and killed me big time.Yes, just another death, the fourth, I guess. Still, life is whim. I felt the urge to continue reading my pending books TO READ. I started with Joe Vitale's "Zero Limits" (audio book) and ended with Love. Yes, I found love. 

I figured we need to be friends, so I suggested to him with all humility (eating my pride) that we should be friends and he agreed. The thought about him and I not talking and ignoring each other as if we never existed pains me. I was happy, and I still am happy with what we have now.

The next day, he accused me of a crime I did not do. Later, I considered the idea that he wasn't accusing me at all. I started cleaning, cleaning, and cleaning. It is all that I care about at this point in my life---cleaning my self with the darkness in me. Since the physical world is a reflection of my self, something happening in me is causing dis-ease in the world around me. Anyway, yesterday, I was really sad. I tried cleaning by saying the simple  prayer I learned, but still I found my self "tulala" always. At least I'm not crying anymore. That's an improvement, I thought. Then, I saw him. He smiled at me. That made me feel good inside. The day ended good (at least for me). 

Right now, I am happy. I think about him always and I am happy. I know he is happy and contented with what we have now. At least we both aren't suffering anymore of our imperfect and broken relationship. In time we will heal, until everything in our world heals. 

...............

in the zero state

with love and peace,

Jeel Christine (Owau Noka Ih)

Pua mai au mai ka po iloko o ka malamalama,
Owau no ka ha, ka mauli ola,
Owau no ka poho, ke ka'ele mawaho a'e o no ike apau.
Ka I, Ke Kino Iho, na Mea Apau.
Ka a'e au i ku'u pi'o o na anuenue mawaho a'e o na kai a pau,
Ka ho'omaumau o na mana'o ame na mea a pau.
Owau no ka "Ho", a me ka "Ha"
He huna ka makani nahenahe,
Ka "Hua" huna o Kumulipo.
Owau no ka "I".