Do I look bruised to you? Check my left eye.

I took this photograph on the evening of May 28, 2009. I was so bored I had no Internet. There wasn’t anything to do. I was unwilling to watch TV, though I was kind of revived from my frustration on that day, It still wasn’t enough. I tried to read one of my favorite books from Salman Rushdie entitled “The Satanic Verses” but I stopped. I just couldn’t stick with the lines, or I just wasn’t engrossed with the reading as I was before the first time I read it.  Maybe It’s really different when you’ve read a book the first time and you read it again the second time. [Undecided] On second thought, maybe not because I read the Sword of Truth series the second time around and I was totally into the books as I was the first time I read them. Maybe it’s my mood that’s affecting me. That’s probably it

So, like I said I took the picture last night. It’s supposed to be an emotive portrait of me. If you notice there are black smudge on my left eye. It’s actually make up. I intentionally smeared my make up to make it look like someone punched me on the left eye and gave me that “black-eye.” I was compelled to do it for no reason at all.

So, can anyone tell me if you are convinced or not, cause I am not.My face is just blank.

While I was doing this, my thoughts were on the song  from U2 entitled “Stay (Faraway, So Close).” I really love that song because it talks about women who are abused by their partners, and anyone who is in love but the other person doesn't feel the same. I like the lines that say, “Three o’clock in the morning. It’s quiet and there’s no one around. Just the bang and the clatter as an angel runs to the ground. Just the bang and the clatter as an angel hits the ground.”

Suffering and it's end

I just remembered my Philosophy classes, especially on Ethics. My teacher discussed us about great philosophers. On of my favorite was Plato, but this time I’m not going to talk about him, I’m going to talk about Buddha instead.

Why him? What about him?

The Enlightened One

Two thousand five hundred years ago, Queen Maya gave birth to a child named Gautama Buddha, the enlightened one. Gautama Buddha was said to be in the Prophesy, that he would be the enlightened one and a far greater King than anyone in the land. And so his father became jealous and decided to keep the child inside the palace until he dies. Though Buddha lived in confinement inside their colossal palace, he was the first time to have understood what suffering really is. While her mother and his father the King kept Buddha safe inside the palace, he was curious as to what’s outside the Royal walls and decided to see for himself. Initially, his parents refused his desire. But Budhha was uncompromising, and he went out. While outside the walls, he saw youth no more, but old age among people.

Prophecies have conditions before they happen. There were 3 things, some says 4 to confirm if the prophecy was true or not. One is for Buddha to see a dead man (a corpse), a sick man (a terminally ill), and an Acetic monk (someone who practices extreme poverty), and last is an old man. Books say he all saw the conditions.

After he saw that Acetic monk, he became one of them and practiced poverty, but years later Buddha decided to separate from the them because he couldn’t find what he was looking for. So he was on his own and one day he sat under a bow tree, stayed there and overnight he found enlightenment. His ministry started from then on. Progressively over the years, Buddhism became a religion, not just a religion but also one the greatest and strongest religion in the world with about billions of zillions of followers all over the globe.

The Four Noble Truths

The original Buddhism was known for Gautama Buddha’s the four noble truths. One is that suffering is in the world. Second, there is a cause of suffering. Third, there is a cessation of suffering, and lastly, the eight-fold path is the way to end suffering.

Obviously, suffering is in the world. The Philippines and other poor countries are suffering from poverty. It’s so ironic how my parents tell me that we are poor, when there are those who are less fortunate than we are. I am not saying that we are rich because we aren’t. We don’t have a mansion like those rich people have, we don’t have a pool in our backyard, nor do we have many cars, we only have one, and this one’s really cheap car. If I were living in the states right now with this condition, I am very poor, but here in the Philippines, we belong to the middle class, like majority of Filipinos are.

Samsara and karma are Buddhist doctrines. One cause of suffering is what we call samsara, which is the cycle of birth or Reincarnation in the Hindu religion. Another is karma, which we know as “what you reap is what you sow” or if you’re familiar with Alicia Key’s Karma with the line “what goes around, comes around.” Buddhists believe that when a person does well in his life, he will be replayed with a happy reincarnation. He will be blessed in his or her second life. If does bad things to his people, he will reincarnate into insects like roaches, flies and other creatures lower than a human being. So, my advice to you is to stop biting people’s back, and start a new.

Suffering has an end. Buddhists has a doctrine called anata, or “no self, ” that individuals have no soul or ego, and that we do not exist. The way to enlightenment is to loose thy self from five aggregates, body, feelings, impulses, consciousness, and perceptions. This is what we call “nothingness.” I think this idea is one of the bases of meditation.

Now I would like to share my past experiences with meditation. I attempted to meditate twice on the row, but I wasn’t successful with it that it ended me sleeping because I lost all my energy. The basic idea of meditation is that you loose your senses, and your mind does the work, which is contrary to Gestaltist Friderick “Fritz” Perl’s “loose your mind, come to your senses.” Well, anyways, after loosing your senses in mediation, and after your body has relaxed, you have to send all energies (including negative energies) away from your body, and take in the energy that nature has provided for you. This is the rationale behind why Buddhists and even some yogists do mediation outdoors or near nature. So, after I lost all my energy, I failed to absorb a new energy so when I opened my eyes, I felt so tired that all I wanted was to sleep to restore my energy. Then I knew the meditation was unsuccessful. I did it again the next day and was still unsuccessful. I realized that I haven’t mastered the art of “loosing one’s self” yet, and that I was not yet ready for it. Just like introspection needs to be mastered before undergoing Wundt’s experiments, meditation needs to be mastered as well.

The Eight-Fold Path

Furthermore, the only way to cease suffering is by following the Eight-fold truth, according to Buddha. The first one is the Right View, which refers to the right understanding of the four noble truth. Next is the Right Effort, which says we shouldn’t rush our actions and do things slow but surely, and that without effort, nothing can be achieved. Right Speech, we must not curse or say bad things against anybody, and not lie to anyone. Right Action, refers to doing what is right, like not stealing or cheating. Right Livelihood, refers to avoid occupations that bring about bad things like swindling, corruption, scamming, stealing or snatching people’s possessions. Right Aspiration or Resolve refers to our hopes and dreams. Second to the last is Right Concentration, refers to calm thinking, just like in meditation. And last, but definitely not the least is, Right Consciousness, which means silence and avoiding unnecessary thoughts.

Moderation and Nirvana

All these truths lead anyone to the right path called the middle path, which is the path of moderation. Take things moderately is the basic truth in all these doctrines because moderation is moral discipline, extremities can be deadly. Extreme love or hate are deadly. Extreme jealousy is too. Buddhists follow all these for one goal that is to enter the gates of heaven, or bliss, or the point of no return called Nirvana.

Although I have my own criticisms on a few of these ideas, I think they would certainly help people to change to the better, and change for themselves and not for others.

That was educational, wasn’t it? See, my brain remembers things selectively—things I want to remember, and does the opposite on things or events that are insignificant to me.

Boredom's Doldrums

Now, this is what I call boredom’s doldrums. I’m really bored because I have no Internet at the moment. Now I am here in an Internet café—paying. I guess the server in my place is down. And this is something that really pisses me off. Oh well, let me just use this solitary moment to share what ever is on my mind at the moment since I am not doing anything beneficial or worthwhile lately.

It has been quite a while since I quit reading mythology, new age and the occult, which are my fascination. I started my fascination with the occult when my cousin who is I guess 20 years older than I am, showed the occult threshold to me. I mean not literally. Well she must have been one of the first people who influenced me with occult studies.  I was only in elementary, probably when I was ten or eleven, when she got married with her second husband. It was also the same time when she brought an antique occult book from elsewhere. I could still remember the big brown old book with a very striking title on the hardbound cover page. DEMONOLOGY. And there I was intrigue. Harry Potter books were quite her fascination, and my cousins too. But Harry didn’t catch me the way the big brown old book did.

Too bad it was the first and the last time I saw it.

Her parents didn’t know of the book’s existence. Her sisters and brothers didn’t, but I did. She could have known that I like the occult and weird things too, or she wouldn’t share it with me. We are not really close, probably due to our age gap, nor am I close with any of her siblings. But it was the very first time that I actually felt that I belong to something, a world greater than my own.

Few years’ back, I started reading witchcraft. It’s not that I want to be a witch or something. I just want to be educated with it. And then I read about astral projections, OBE (out-of-body expreinces), dreaming, psychic development, and ESP (extra-sensory perceptions). In fact I have quite good books in my library.

In my attempt and intent to find justification to these occult phenomenons, I bumped into a field where I am now, Psychology. There I started reading about Carl Guztav Jung, who is my first favorite and is still my favorite psychologist, because his ideas were the only ones that could possibly enlighten me with the occult.

Carl Gustav Jung was a Swiss. His father was a pastor in a Swiss Reformed Church. But he was more of a skeptic though religion was one of his work’s themes. Jung had wide range of interests he was convinced not to limit his learnings with just one field. He studied archaeology, anthropology, literature, and others. One thing that I really like about him is that he stands for his beliefs though others continually criticize him for being heretic and being a weirdo. But he wasn’t heretic. Anyone who is an avid reader of his works can testify to that. And about the weirdo thingy, I do really want to comment on that, though he was kind of an introvert as a child.

Progressively over the years, all my learnings have deteriorated just like that. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. I feel really frustrated with my self now. I want to know things I do not know, and with each documentary I watch over National Geographic or Discovery Channel or article I read from book or from the internet, it feels like its never enough and am so impulsively wanting to get more. And now It’s so unfortunate because I have no internet access, and I know am obviously trying to forget about the internet and focus on something worthwhile.

So, this is just part one of my story about this world greater than my own.

Mood: Relaxed

Listening: Dido – Thank You

Meet Fifi

It’s obviously me, and the other one’s Fifi. My mother gave him to me when I was in high school, probable almost six years ago. Someone from my mum’s office gave Fifi, and my mum handed him to me since obviously she’s not interested with stuffed toys. Fifi has been with me for long years, slept beside me, heard my secrets, and if he was human, he is the only one who knows me that in depth; or so, I think.

I named him from the song “Fifi for you, Fifi for me,” which I heard from the radio that day same day when my mum gave him to me. Well, I’m not really sure if that was the title of the song, nor do I know who the singer is. I just find the song hilarious. If you ask me when Fifi’s birthday is, I just don’t know because I have a problem with my memory. I think I have selective memory gap. I sometimes forget things on a selective level.

A few days back, I applied for a Civil Service Commission board examination, but I was unfortunate to have not completed all the requirements especially a valid ID. So my father suggested getting my voter’s ID in our Municipal Hall. So I went there and got no ID. Comelec people told me that I should comeback the next year because they have not received my ID yet. Then one asked me when was the last time I voted, and I said I haven’t voted yet. I considered that a reason as to the delay of my ID. And so when I got back home, I told my mum about what happened and she totally hit me hard on my head (not literally speaking). I voted already the second time and I was like shocked. Did I? I tried to remember but I failed, and on the next day I remembered. Jeeper’s creepers!

Yes, I have selective memory gap, and I know it because it happened to me many times in the past. I sometimes even forget about what I did the day before the present day. I’m totally screwed up. I need to put my attention and try to work on my memory by observing detail of any events happening to my life. A diary is a good idea, but I don’t write a diary. I find it obsolete. Maybe blogging is, but I don’t usually blog all the things I did or do.

So, that’s basically it. And oh, here’s another picture of Fifi by the way:

Personal growth over the years

A mandala is a form of Sanskrit and means a magic circle. Sometimes they can be of circular, square or triangular in shapes. In Eastern religions, floor plans in temples were actually based on mandalas. And in the center circle of a mandala is usually a God, or a Goddess. Mandalas are symbol of the self, of health and of being one with nature and with the Gods.

In psychology, a mandala is a symbol of individuation or the process of being whole. In Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, individuals must satisfy certain needs, and first level needs must be first met before proceeding to the next level needs. The highest need an individual could reach is the need to actualize. Actualization per se means realization, and individuation, or becoming whole.

A mandala is just a philosophical symbol of the actualization process, and just like the eastern religions who have created mandalas to guide them to wholeness, I have my own too. Influenced by philosophy, religion, new age, and Jungian psychology, I have chosen the pentacle, which is a Wiccan symbol.

My mandala shows that I am on the process of wholeness in association with Mother Nature, which is represented by the circle around the star, and with the help of the elements in the pentacle like fire, water, air, earth, and spirit.

At the center of the pentacle is David’s Star, or the sign of King Solomon. On one side is a name of my child’s alter ego “meichiu,” and on the other side is meow5209. The numbers are significant to me, but the letters m-e-o-w aren’t anymore important to me because these letter were a child’s play. Below are words “Jesu Christe,” which is Latin for Jesus Christ because I was raised as a Catholic.

My mandala was created a very long time ago. As a child I had so much in me, people think I’m weird but I am not. I had an introvert personality as a child. I call it creative difference between you and me. Besides, everything that I have learned from my solitary studies with new age, religion, philosophy, psychology, and the occult played an important role in my growth as a person.

Progressively over the years, my past learnings were suppressed or kind of placed aside, and I became focused on my field, which is Psychology. With psychology, I was opened to a broader horizon I call reality. The Humanistic approach says that an individual reacts to a certain phenomenal field called “reality.” I became an advocate of human potential from then on. Aside from my learning, my experiences and interactions also helped me in my growth as a person that I am today. From being an introvert, I am now extrovert.

You see, I have seen my development from a child with so many thoughts on mind to an individual who has grown, and is still growing toward self-actualization. I do not use this mandala anymore in the present time but it has been my coping mechanism as a child, so it is still a part of me, a part of my past—a past that I should be leaving behind from now on.

Thanks for the tweets:

@MonsterHP @RobbDrury @RossArntson @innerarchitects @dougnoll @BeingForItself

Internet rant

Okay, yesterday I called globe to help me with my problem on my Internet. I did exactly what the technical service/support representative told me to do, but unfortunately the problem is not with my Internet connection, possibly it’s with globe’s facilities here in our area.

I’m not sure though if I’m the only one with this problem, since I cannot ask my neighbors about their Internet. It’s just that I don’t have friends here. Well. I do but only a few people, just a few. The rest are strangers to me, although I see them everyday, memorize the details of their faces and everything like that. We just don’t converse in a deep level, only in superficial level or what we call the cliché conversation like “Hi” or “Hello.”

So what I have to do is just wait within 24-48 hours. Oh God

The Internet has been a part of my homeostasis for long time now. Every time I wake up I open my pc right away and google my way to blogs and news for the day, update my social networks like Facebook and Twitter. And just as before I go to sleep in the evening I am still googling. And now it’s just different because there is no Internet. It’s just not the same without it.