Okay so maybe a lot of things, both pleasant and unpleasant, happened to me the other day. Am I being questioned of my integrity as a teacher? Did I make the right decision or did I make the situation worst? Was my approach appropriate? Did I inject my own frustration amongst others around me? Is there a need for change? Am I on the position to be firm with my decisions with reference to the situation?? These are just a few amongst the many questions on my mind--bothering me.
Sometimes I wonder am I a good teacher? Maybe I shouldn't expect too much, otherwise my expectations will only knock me out. Speaking of expectations, they have betrayed me, deceived me, and broke me. I was broke when I learned how selfish I had been to even overly assume or predict how my own students will perform in my class and in my examinations. Perhaps I was too overconfident, and it's such a shame how I failed my self.
Extremities are dangerous they say. One cannot be too tight or too loosen; too good or too strict, too humble or too proud. In fact the Buddha said that people should live life in moderation, not on extremities.
The other night, a lot of people--me and my herd--were affected with my decision. I was frustrated and unconsciously injected frustration amongst them. Was it due to my approach? I am very disappointed with my self.
I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, but not a single one of them I regretted. My mistakes and the choices I have made in the past lead me to where I am now, molded me to what and who I am now. They are, therefore, a part of me.
I know I hated my self in the past because it is never easy to be me. But this me that I hated has become the me that I love, and cared the most. A reaction formation this is not, to defend my ego or this entity that has always been with me, and will remain with me when the rest of the world are without me.
Frustration enfolded me that night, and was aggravated with another colligated occurrence. And then both emotions left me. See how transient emotions can be?
Now as I am fantasizing of the past, yes I still remember the emotion, but I feel rather relaxed and relieved that it is over. Some things are, indeed, destined to be left behind. It is better to let things hurl to their own destination as in constant flux and move on.
