my hopeful resolve

i need time alone. time to think. time to search for my self. with that i need to withdraw from everyone and everything--including school, work, friends, social networks, books, movies--which is something i cannot do. there are so many things i have to accomplish, but none of them i desire doing as of the moment. i want to do nothing at all and be nothing for ones in my life, but that would kill me to death, wouldn't it? i am so confused. T_T

i wanna flea somewhere else safe--some place i can be my self and be with my self. i wanna run away, be in a fugue-like state where nothing in the past matters anymore. i wanna reach the gap between local awareness, and find my self peace. as long as i am still cuddled with chaos, anger, fear, distress, and worry, i will always see the world in blur through the lens of tears on my eyes.

with inner cleansing, i could cleanse the world. technology and everything material are things that block me. anyone sweep down on me and take me to a far, far away place. take me. please. i beg you to take me.

to another dimension, to find peace...

Bloody Mary take me away!

Palm reading. Is there ever truth in palm reading? Someone read my future for me and it wasn't nice. It felt like I'm in this hellhole all along. I felt the grim, and I know she did too. The way she read it gave an eerie feeling, as if she really was aided by a higher consciousness, a gap in nature. A non-local awareness as I see it. But is there really truth in palm reading?

The way she said the words staked my heart. She reminded me again of my worries, of my confusion, of my emptiness. Maybe she was right or maybe she was just reading my subconscious. Maybe It's what I want or not. It's what I chose it to be.

We all make our own destinies and I make mine. Only that mine's on the grey side. Confused. I feel so alone.

bloody mary take me away.......
................................................................

Alone

by: Edgar Allan Poe

From childhood's hour I have not been

As others were; I have not seen

As others saw; I could not bring

My passions from a common spring.

From the same source I have not taken

My sorrow; I could not awaken

My heart to joy at the same tone;

And all I loved, I loved alone.

Then- in my childhood, in the dawn

Of a most stormy life- was drawn

From every depth of good and ill

The mystery which binds me still:

From the torrent, or the fountain,

From the red cliff of the mountain,

From the sun that round me rolled

In its autumn tint of gold,

From the lightning in the sky

As it passed me flying by,

From the thunder and the storm,

And the cloud that took the form

(When the rest of Heaven was blue)

Of a demon in my view. 


..........................................................

Anyway, I finished the book "Nevermore " by Kelly Creagh. The book was amazing, though it ended tragically. I am waiting for the second book entitled "Enshadowed" . I am sure Isobel and Varen will be together again. 

on my READ list since 2011

by Lauren Kate:
                 Fallen, Torment

by Richelle Mead:
                 Vampire Academy, Frostbite, Shadow Kiss, Blood Promise, Spirit Bound,
                 Last Sacrifice

by: Becca Fitzpatrick:
                 Hush, Hush, Crescendo

by: Charlaine Harris:
                 Dead in the Family

by: Alex Flinn:
                 Beastly

by: Ellen Schreiber:
                 Vampire Kisses, Kissing Coffins, Vampireville, Dance With a Vampire, The Coffin Club,
                 Royal Blood, Love Bites

by: Carl Gustav Jung
                 Memories, Dreams, Reflections

That's about 20 books. I am not so proud with the number considering that I could have read more books than this. I am in fact capable of reading five to seven books in a week. Anyway, the problem is I am currently doing my research, which is consuming much of my time lately, which means no fiction or less fiction this month until I'm over it. But even research hinders me not from allowing temptation in. Right! that's why I am currently reading Alexandra Adornetto's Halo, book one of the Halo series.

 3.63  ·   rating details  ·  3,148 ratings  ·  892 reviews

Three angels- Gabriel, the warrior; Ivy, the healer; and Bethany, the youngest and most human- are sent by Heaven to bring good to a world falling under the influence of darkness. They must work hard to conceal their luminous glow, superhuman powers, and, most dangerous of all, their wings, all the while avoiding all human attachments. 
Then Bethany meets Xavier Woods, and neither of them is able to resist the attraction between them. Gabriel and Ivy do everything in their power to intervene, but the bond between Xavier and Bethany seems too strong. 
The angel’s mission is urgent, and dark forces are threatening. Will love ruin Bethany or save her?

People are People

So, their's Paolo, a very good friend of mine who opened me to things that has kept me occupied in the past few years of my life. I like Paolo the way he is. We have something in common than most of the people I know.

Well, I can make an exception,. There's also my brother/boy best friend named Walter. We have same interests. He is emotionally unstable in a way like I am. I am not talking about insanity. I am talking about how sensitive we are that sometimes if not most of the time, brings us down on our knees and brings us up standing again. We both cope differently though. I know it's not about who survived but on how one survived. The means we survive. We like the same music genre. We talk about things I normally don't talk with others, like sex, and so on.

Paolo, on the other hand, I can talk about spirituality and religion with. I enjoyed his weirdness or more like a one-in-a-million personality. I am also weird in a way.

Their's also Maui, who used to be my love interest in high school. No one got me unbalanced like he did. But that was a long time ago. He's more of a close friend to me now and he ever was. Sometimes I tell him my problems, and he tells me his. It feels good to have someone like that.

Above all, none of them I have special/romantic feelings for. I am glad.

..............

Anyway, I challenged my self on Goodreads. Check this out: