He said, “I won’t leave you. I promise.”

Chief and Kinse singing "Like A Rose" @ VICTO, 2007

I drowned when I was seven. I didn’t know how to swim at that time, and a boy pushed me to a 5 ft. pool. My father rescued me after long minutes of me struggling for my own survival. I thought that was the end of me. God is so generous and gave me another chance. From then on, my phobia started. I do not fear water. I love water. In fact, in water I feel calm and peace. It is the drowning that I am afraid of.

At the time when Sir Glenn (my second father, my friend, my mentor, and the only person who understood me without me saying anything) made me face my phobia with the use of psychoanalysis and exposure therapy. It was final phase at Oslob with my Kinse friends. We were on our siesta moments due to the very stressful activities we had that morning. He called out for me, and asked me to wear swimming gear. He said he was going to teach me to swim. I need to learn swimming because in our future trainings, we will be crossing rivers, seas, and so on, and he figured if anything happens, at least I can save myself. I felt nervous and woozy. I couldn’t say no. Chief (Glenn) was insistent and wouldn’t accept any compromise. So, I did change to my swimming gear.

As I headed through the pool, I felt my heart beat rose so fast. My hands started trembling and then my arms and my legs and my whole body. I only said “FUCK.” I felt nauseated. My sweat was heavy. I only want one thing at the time and that is to flee.

When I was at the water, I could only hear my fear and could only feel my tremors. He said he was going to teach me how float first before the swimming lessons. He knew there was a problem then. He is, first and foremost, a psychological practitioner. He reads body language, and most of all he reads what I am not saying.  He made me go back to the surface and made me lie down, with my hands open wide on my sides, and my legs together. He asked me how it felt like lying there. Honestly, I felt relieved to be away from the water. He told me that I should do that same position in the water. DARNNN!!! I was very fearful.

When I was in the water again I started crying, and crying, and trembling. He asked me “Why are you crying?” I didn’t respond, instead, I cried more. Some friends saw me. It was really embarrassing but at that time I cared less. Chief guessed that maybe I drowned in the past. I only nodded. He was a very good pacifier, and he made me believe him. I trusted him. He processed my experience and my feelings. I cried the whole time. And he made me float. I only listened to his voice, and did as he said. I think I was under hypnosis trance at the time. The only thing that kept me in the water for the first 50 and 100 counts was a prayer.

Yes! It was my first step for recovery. I did float. I kept counting until I heared no more sounds but my voice. I couldn’t hear him anymore. He wasn’t there anymore. It frightened me even more. When I started to struggle, I felt him again. He said, “I won’t leave you. I promise.” That was the only security I had. I had to believe him. I believed him.

Guess what? I made it for thirty minutes just floating in the water without him. Hahaha. I know thirty minute's ain't that long but it's a good start. :)

What’s so amazing about this event was that during the processing, I came to know the root of my phobia. I already had this fear inside me even before I drowned. It was the drowning that provoked the fear from latent to manifest---from unconscious to conscious. It was memorable. So now, I still carry with me the fear that defined who I am now. It sucks. I wished I had recovered then, but recovery takes years. I don’t even know if there is such thing as recovery. Maybe there is remission but not total recovery. When a damage is done, it can never be undone. Things will never be the same as they were before. When wounds heal, scars remain.

“I won’t leave you. I promise.” A lot of people say the same words all the time, but only a few of them meant those words. Chief meant those words when he said them. Though chief is now in Manila, his words still echo, as if he is still there saying those exact words. Only in him did I ever feel that I am not left behind. He spared the wounded little girl, and changed her life forever. From then on, the girl started trusting and believing again. But since there is no such thing as recovery, the girl will stay cautious until she tests the waters no more.